Well, an Andre Rieu CD, that’s for damn sure.  I am wondering how many mothers and grandmothers out there will be unwrapping their present and screaming ’shoot me’ from their internal monologue over that one on Sunday. 

I actually bought my mum a really cool present. Unfortunately, I misunderstood the calendar (hey, it happens!) and thought that Mother’s Day was next Sunday, not this one, so there was no chance of it arriving in time.  It’s ok though, because now I’m really, super organised for her birthday. 

The duck needed to get his mother a gift as well, so we did the pilgrimage to the sad excuse for a local shopping centre.  We had a good browse, and while picking out our gift choices, made a list of what not to buy for this happy occasion. 

Gift vouchers. 

Look, this is your mother we’re talking about. If you can’t work out what she would want, how on earth do you expect her to?  The only voucher that would elicit legitimate joy is a blank one from Tiffany’s.  At a stretch, if you are really panicking for ideas, you can offer to take her shopping and have a girlie day. NOTE: if you choose this option, you must (I can’t stress this enough!) make the offer before the day. Otherwise you will just look like an asshole who forgot. 

Wall food.

Wall scones – the latest craze in home decor. Whack up a couple, invite your friends over, and throw jam and cream at them to create vibrant art on your loungeroom feature wall. Feel the excitement grow with the anticipation of not knowing what colour it will be tomorrow – green? Blue? A rather alarming flourescent orange? Ok not really. But any product described on the box in badly written Manglish screams I BOUGHT IT AT GO-LO. To compensate you’ll have to make the tacky choice to leave the exxy price tag attached to vindicate your choice. 

Gifts that say what you’re thinking, but shouldn’t say out loud. 

You’re the Pest Mum in the world. This classless and garish photo frame was spotted in a local newsagent. You know that shelf near the front full of writing sets with kittens on them, candles impregnated with dead sealife, and figurines that look like shrunken, freeze dried canines?  Don’t ever buy something for your mum off that shelf, if you love her even a little. 

Really inappropriate card choices. 

At one point or another, all of us will forget the card or leave buying it to the last minute.  By this point all the good ones (if such an animal even exists) are taken, and the rest are a jumbled disaster, no longer in their ‘for Nanna’ or ‘for step-grandmother’s aunt twice removed’ slots on the card wall.  In your panicked haste to get a card and find an envelope that fits, make sure it at least fits the following criteria – it’s directed at the person you’re buying it for; it doesn’t accidentally make fun of the recipient (eg money jokes for the recently bankrupt, helping-hand poetry for the recent arm-amputation recipient, big love jokes for the awkwardly overweight);  and at least tries to strike a balance between crass humour and saccharine love odes.  Anything with a monkey and a speech bubble is inappropriate.