I just had a phonecall from Telstra, who were ringing to let me know I have a new account manager (whatever that is) and to ask if I was happy with my current plan and service from them.

Kind of a loaded question really. Should I mention that last year they accidentally removed the ADSL code from my line, resulting in three weeks without internet, because they couldn’t work out what was wrong, and the person who could fix it didn’t speak directly to customers or to the Telstra staff who could speak to me? Should I add that after it was eventually fixed (at a cost of $129 by me and much haranguing from my ISP to get Telstra to fix the ruddy issue), they then proceeded to send me letter after letter telling me my landline account had to be cancelled and set up again, because ’something’ was wrong with it? Would my new account manager want to know that I can’t hear the word ‘Telstra’ without making a face?

I didn’t bother. I just said, ‘well, I suppose it could be cheaper. ‘

She then went on to question me extensively on my phone, mobile and internet usage. Bizarrely, she asked me why I don’t make the same number of calls every month; sometimes I make 5 STD calls, sometimes 10.  She seemed confused at this behaviour.

I was already pretty annoyed by this point, as she had interrupted me watching The Princess Bride and causing me to pause just as Westley was rolling down the hill. My instinct to hang up on her battled internally with my need to know what brilliant deal they would come up with this time.  Actual customer service? A phone line that stays connected, no matter what switch the cleaner accidentally flicks?

Oh no. She wanted to sell me a Bigpond plan.  She asked what I was using now (ADSL 1, 1500 plan, 20GB download per month for $49.95) and claimed she could better this. I snorted. She paused, and then ploughed on into her spiel.  Apparently I can get ADSL2 now, and for only $69.95 I could have a whole 12GB.   This super special deal means that I could connect at up to 8000mbps, which would be shaped down to 1500 when I hit that limit.

I’ll admit this had me stumped momentarily. I’d be paying an extra $20 per month, and at best be using my current speed for half of that time given the smaller download limit.   She actually laughed at me when I pointed that out, and said, ‘but it’s faster‘.  Yes, but wouldn’t it being faster mean that I’d hit that limit even sooner? So possibly only accessing that faster speed for one week out of the month?  She laughed again. And went quiet. And then mumbled something like, ‘I don’t think you understand.’

But the weirdest part came next.

While we were chatting I was looking up my current ISP’s plans for ADSL2+.  Their equivalent plan is the same price and the same download limit I currently have.  I told her this (not mentioning that the site is telling me ADSL2 is not yet available in my area) and she said, ‘yes but Telstra speeds will be faster than another ISP’.

Me: I’m sorry? I thought you all use the same lines?

Her: We do, but Bigpond is faster on those lines

Me: How does that work? Do you slow your competitors down?

Her: Yes, so ours is the fastest available

Me: Is that even ethical? Other ISPs don’t have a choice but to use your lines, do they?

Her: If you want to use your own line you can have faster ADSL

Now, at this point I’m not sure if she was suggesting that I hire a backhoe and put my own phone lines in, which I admit is tempting.  All the same, it appeared she was telling me that Telstra deliberately slows the service available to other ISPs, so they can’t offer competitive deals.  I told her I wouldn’t sign up for a company that did that. She didn’t really know what to say.

We then had the discussion about whether Telstra includes uploads into the 12GB limit. At first she said ‘oh yes, they are included!’ as though that was a good thing, then put me on hold to speak to her manager, who said Telstra doesn’t charge for uploads.  If they don’t, it’s a new thing.

She went back to trying to convince me that ADSL2 was the business and I should definitely get on board with it.  She was now claiming that potentially, I could connect at speeds up to 20,000mbps. I said that I thought it depended on how far away from the exchange I was, wasn’t that true?  Couldn’t she tell me what speeds I’ll connect at? No, apparently that information only came from the technicians (the same people who couldn’t talk to me when my ADSL wasn’t working).  She actually couldn’t tell me until I signed up.  Yay, internet connection lottery, who knows what you might get? I said there wasn’t a chance and asked her if there was any way she could make my bill cheaper.  She ended up reducing my line rental by $10, so not only did she not get me to buy more products, I now pay a tenner less to them. I hope she doesn’t work on commission.